It's difficult having a daughter who isn't able to talk yet.  I try to teach her the baby signs, but she just gets frustrated.  Currently, something is wrong and I don't know what.  I hold her while she screams with tears running down her face.  It hurts my heart.  Then when she's fine and wants to get down, I put her down and she cries again.  We go through this dance.  It's frustrating because I feel like she's trying to communicate with me, but I don't understand her screams and tears.  This made me think about my relationship with God but in reverse.  Often times I come to God in deep agony.  I scream and cry in prayer.  I wonder why he doesn't speak to me.  Why do I not go to his word?  HIS WORD - HIS VOICE.  His beautiful word that's living and active.  It will always speak to me.  How can God not speak to me when I read the bible. It's his word.  So the next time you feel like God is silent, read his word.  He will personally speak to you.

I am a food addict.  I have been for a long time, but I seem to forget that often.  I don't know if you are familiar with the twelve steps of recovery, but step one is "We admitted we were powerless over our addictions and compulsive behaviors, that our lives had become unmanageable."  I still think I'm in denial.  I often convince myself that I am in control and that my life is manageable.  As I look back on yesterday, or even one hour ago, I see the mess in my life - the unmanageability.  The major problem with my sin life is that it effects my daughter.  She doesn't eat as healthy or as regularly.  I cause her life to be unmanageable just because mine is.  Everything I do whether positive or negative effects her.  I'd rather have more positives than negatives.  Some of you may not have an addiction to food, but maybe something else - drugs, alcohol, overspending, being controlling (codependency), anger, pride.  There is not a person on this earth that is without sin.  Often times we can isolate and convince ourselves that we are the only ones, but that is not the truth.  I'd love to hear what you struggle with so we can grow on this journey of recovery together.  Visit celebraterecovery.com for meetings in your area.

I love how God speaks to me.  I just wrote in my journal about how I am so disappointed with myself and my food addiction.  Here is what he said to me " . . .let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easy entangles . . . In your struggles against sin, you have not resisted to the point of shedding blood."  (Hebrews 12:1,4 NIV)  This is so true.  I've been giving up too easily.  Right now I will make a conscious effort to give it all back to God and resist my sin, for my sake as well as for my daughter and husband.  But I can't do this on my own, I need God's power and grace.  Thank you Jesus that I have you in my life!

This past Saturday I committed to meet with a Jehovah's Witness for bible study.  I'm a little scared, but confident that I won't be swayed.  I have Jesus on my side and the truth that speaks from His word.  As the lady I'm meeting with is describing all the people she has bible study with, I start to feel sick.  There are so many lost souls swayed by her.  She is describing this young girl whom she meets with after school.  She picks this girl up at her house and they have bible study at the local mall.  She proceeded to tell me that this girl comes from a broken home and is eager to learn the bible.  My first thought was that I'm so glad this isn't my daughter, but I know how easy it is to grow up and fall away.

One thing I really admire about Jehovah's Witnesses is their boldness, but aren't we as Christians supposed to be bold as well.  And can't we be even more bold since we know the truth.  I pray that as my daughter grows up, she doesn't become prey for the enemy and that she wouldn't be so swayed by the lies of the world.  It seems so difficult, like our children don't have a chance.  But prayer is powerful and God does not want any of his children to parish.  Pray with me for our children growing up in this fallen world that will only get worse.  Pray that our children come to know Jesus at the earliest possible age and that God will protect them in the meantime.  Prayer that once they make this important decision to follow Jesus, that they would grow in their knowledge of Him.  And pray for yourself, that you would be the light of Christ in your child's life.

Yesterday was my daughter's first big accident.  I have been trying to let my husband take care of our daughter without my meddling.  It seems that she doesn't want to be around him much anymore.  I decided to use the computer in one room and let them play together in another.  All was fine until I hear a scream from my daughter.  I was about to go check it out, but held back so that she can learn to depend on my husband.  She was really crying and it physically hurt my heart.  Then my husband comes to me and says she's badly hurt and bleeding.  Her mouth was full of blood and I wanted to be sick.  She had smacked her face hard on the side of the couch and I think she split her upper gum by a new tooth, since she won't really let me look.  I proceeded to mop up the blood from her mouth and put some ice on it without success.  This whole process was terrifying.  I am ill equipped to be a doctor, but this incident brought up all the times I have, and still do, call on my mom for doctor type advice.  So I guess this is my new role, Doctor Mom.

After all was cleaned up and my daughter was in bed, I started to dwell on the fear that I felt.  It was horrible to see my daughter bleeding so much and not really be able to do anything about it.  It made me think about Jesus and the blood he shed to save us.  God must have been in extreme anguish when he watched his son bleed on the cross.  I didn't know my daughter was going to get hurt, but imagine if I did.  I would probably huddle around her, trying in my power to prevent her from injuring herself.  But God, in his grace and majesty, watched his son die without meddling because he loved us that much.  God is amazing and this incident with my daughter just deepens my appreciation for all he's done for me.

I have been feeling so far away from God, and I know that it has been my doing.  My life is spinning out of control as only other mom's can relate to.  I was talking to someone about my daughter and this person suggested we meet for coffee.  I told her that it would be great, but nothing is for sure because of my daughter.  Is there anyone else out there that had illusions that life would get back to normal like before you had kids, or am I the only one in denial? The good news is that God is great no matter what!  This has been my life lesson lately.  I know God is sovereign, but I'm really learning what that means.

I have felt very convicted with my sleep as of late.  My daughter has been waking up 3-4 times a night and needing my assistance (aka late night nursing sessions).  So I've been sleeping as long as possible.  But today at church my convictions I've been feeling about my oversleeping where confirmed.  The message today was about prayer.  Not just the dialog you have throughout the day with God, but those deep, meaningful, very intimate moments with God. These moments are lacking in my life and God has been tapping me on the shoulder to wake up before my daughter and spend time with him.  As a mom, I know that life is busy and sleep is short, but God can do anything.  Let me say it again: GOD CAN DO ANYTHING!  I often minimize God and say he can, but don't really believe it.  But I'm learning that God is faithful with my prayers.  So my prayer, and maybe your too, will been "Lord, please multiply my sleep."  This time you believe it, wake up before your kid(s) wake up and spend some time with him - the person who creates your next breath, renews your mind, and chose to save you.  We are so blessed to have God in our lives.

NOTE: I'm missing the personal interaction with all of you.  Please post comments so we can talk.

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